Over mystifying things might not really be the done-thing these days. We live in a very cynical world and most people are very quick to see through most of the chaff, as we are now totally desensitized and devoid of any great emotions thanks to the wonderful world of reasoning and science we now live in.
Although, I feel pressure. Not bad pressure, just the pressure to write, and it is something that I really can’t avoid. Usually on a Friday night, my first port of call is either Steam or the PS3 to disconnect form a week of small children, frantic classes, and running from one end of Bargas to the other end of Argés.
Tonight, though, there is pressure. Pressure to write and to express in words everything that is contained in the paper confines.
Today has been a day where chapters have ended, although I have managed to send letters to most of those I need to expressing my thoughts and feelings about our times together it just doesn’t feel like enough, although perhaps the lack of fanfare is just the fitting thing for the occasion. Understatement is always far more effective than huge displays of force. It can be seen in the classroom, that when you finally give in to the urge to shout, the effect is only momentary and only lasts as long as the sound reverberates around the room. The most effective way towards class control is actually silence and speaking in a low voice, but that takes years to perfect and isn’t something that new teachers ever find very easy.
So today has been understated, it is the day where I have finally left one of the most important jobs that I have ever had professionally and personally. A place where I felt realized and complete with the people around me, a place where I felt accepted and that my efforts were always recognized and even celebrated. That has now gone and there is a void where it used to be. It isn’t really a sad void, as I know that the people that I have met and the friends I have made have become a part of a wider family, there is just a little hole in the shape of the Infantry Academy where I shall hold all of the memories that the last two and a half years have given me. The thing is that it feels like those constraints are about to burst, and so I have had to write it all down.
I was underpaid and overvalued, and I am now a far better man for it. I really can’t think of anywhere else that I have been where I have fit in to the current and become a part of everything that surrounded me so easily. I could be me, I could relax and didn’t feel like being the clown just because. I laughed when I was happy, and looked for solace when I needed it, and was always repaid with bucket loads of care and affection when needed and the right words when I slipped or fell.
Spain seems to feel some inexplicable shame for its military, but I can tell you that it is one of the places where I have had my preconceptions challenged, I have seen and learnt a new work ethic, and I have seen that the only person stopping me from doing a lot of things was me. I have made relationships that will last and some that will nver be forgotten. That isn’t to say that I don't still have limitations, just that the awareness of those limitations makes you a more relaxed and peaceful person thanks to those that surround you.
There are times when I wish I could always have felt like this, just at peace.
I leave you for now thinking of a chilly September morning out in front of the Alcazar watching the red and yellow bird flying over my head as dreams flew and words started to rain down into that paper cup, overflowing into a dream that is slipping away as today ends.