Pressure. I feel pressure and it won’t go away until I write it all down; this is mothing unusual. Ninety eight percent of the time I delete what I have written as it would be considered too incendiary or too overly soppy to actually inflict on the internet. Of what you read, there have probably been at least ten previous versions before it is finally published. I am not comfortable with just any old random thought being unleashed on the unknowing public - no matter how small that unknowing public is.
So there was another photograph, another moment caught for facebook posterity that was going to mean nothing more for the publisher than another day spent with this person or that person and some fun times and a few laughs; but those laughs were about two thousand kilometres away.
It isn’t easy being this far away from you all. I have read your goings on, I have followed all of the engagements, births, wedding celebrations, and so on with a slightly jealous eye. Watching you all carry out your lives in a voyeuristic fashion from my computer screen, and really wishing to have been with you for some of it.
I had my reasons for leaving, and they have been made ever more apparent as time goes by – people that I haven’t seen in years meet me now and wonder where the hell that manic freak has gone, to have been replaced with a quieter, more chilled out version. I am finally me.
That person, though, is now a million miles away on another continent and living another life and having to watch you all get on with it, and I miss you all so much. We haven’t spent time together as we should have, and it’s unfair to expect all of you to come here where I am now. I suppose that I just wish that now I am final comfortable with myself, now that I finally know where I am going and what I am doing, that I could be with you all and share in some of the things that are going on in your lives.
Perhaps it is just all idealised rubbish – who knows, but I would like to say just how much the times we were all together meant, I know these moments are rare and that I have only really shared them with about three people on the entire planet, and I married one of them, and so I leave you with a fond farewell and a hug that would probably leave you with painful ribs.
Until next time